this day was the end of that long… how should i say it..? uhm… bond… yeah sorta like that… at first, i didn’t felt the…. pain… it was like cutting my hand with a blade… "laslas" nga in tagalog… but of course i would never do such a thing, especially if it was because of a boy….

we talked in between discussions… it was hard for me (and i don’t know if it was for him) to talk to him and then listen to what the teacher is saying because you can’t wait for him to say what he needs to say… but, i patiently waited until it was nearly the end of the day…

then it came… he asked me if what would be my decision… i said, i surrender… i think i can’t do anything about it anymore… i suppose i’m just not the right girl who can change you into someone who’s greater than who you are today… "siguro d m lng tlga q gnun kmhal pra mgbgo k…" "siguro d lng tlga q ung mkkpgbgo sau…" he was quiet…

he spoke… let’s talk… outside…

we walked through the corridors… i held the bear on one hand… our bear… as we walked, we saw the light that was shining through the gates of our school… as we stepped outside, someone called me from behind… it was my classmate, he told me that i was to go to the contest… i told him to wait cause i still have something to do… and i walked on…

he waited for me outside… we talked… he told me to be online this night… and then i told him to leave me a comment on friendster… i told him that he should fill in all of the characters in there and not leave it blank… he said ok… he even laughed… i also told him that i left a group message, saying to all to take care especially him… i told him to take care and i love him… i think that’s the last time i’ll ever speak to him that way… the way i talk to him before…

it was time for CAT… it was time for him to leave because they have volleyball practice… and it was also time for me to leave because it was time for my contest… we went back to our classroom but while we’re still walking, i asked him…" wla na?" he made a gesture saying that it was officially over…

when i put the bear on my bag, he told me that i should take care of it and give him a bath…

i left him a drawing of a sad angel and at the back of it, a poem saying all my thoughts that time…

i walked with him the last time… before he left, he called me and wished me good luck… then he told me he love me too…

i’ll miss that…

i’ll miss all of that…

i’ll miss it all…

i’ll miss him…

talaga…

wahuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu……..!!!!!!!!!!! mhal prin kta ehhhh!!!!!

T_T

and they’re both not helping me…
instead…
they’re making it heavier for me to carry…

he’s been jealous… and just like me, he’s not feeling the love too… my love… for him… just like me… we talked a while ago… and i don’t think that it helped…

it just took the situation into worser situation…

i asked him if he still loved me… he said yes, he asked me my question, i said yes… it was from my heart…

he told me he wasn’t feeling any love at all…
i wasn’t feeling any neither…

i tried talking to him about my problem, our problem, about him…
he wasn’t sensitive enough to tell that people around him are trying to stop him to do things he wasn’t supposed to do in front of me…

i was beside him all this time… and he still do it without thinking of me…
he was doing it for his own pleasure…

but, still, he told me he loved me…

i wanted to change him… if only he’d be a better person, he’d be perfect…

i guess that was destiny’s plan for us… maybe he wasn’t really the one…
but… even though… i still wanted to stay with him… because i love him too… even if many people are angry at him… i DO wanted to change him…

i wanted the best for him… i wouldn’t want to change him for my own pleasure, i wanted to change him because he was ruining his own reputation, and he was ruining mine bits by bits too…

he wasn’t getting any better… he was getting worser from time to time, and it was harder for me to control him…

in fairness, it must be me who can control him… but, he wasn’t any man who wants to be controlled by some girl like me… maybe some other girl would…

he said he can be better off without anyone… does that include me? if i would walk out of his life would he follow me? would he say that he’ll change? would he say he’ll change because he wants to be a better image to others and wanted me to brag about how great he was (brag that he was a good man)? would he say that he doesn’t want to let me go? would he say things that would make me go back to him? would he change and be a better image to other people? in reality, i guess there’s only 1 out of 10 possibilities that he would do that for me… if i would hit the jackpot, of course i will be surprised… same will i feel if that 1 chance of possibility is the one he chose to do for me… and if lucky, for him too… and if he hits the jackpot, we’ll last longer…

she’s a bit mad at me… she says that I’ve been a big fool because of him… i wasn’t making him get better… so because of what he is doing, she’s making a distance between him and her, taking me with her along… i mean, she wants me to leave him… if no one will be beside him, including his friends, he might realize what he’s done, and change… that’s their plan…

she told me that i need to be stronger and make him be controlled by me… make him have respect to others especially to me… that’s what he should do, in fairness…

the way he treated other people, especially who were older than him was very unkind… he wasn’t gaining any respect at all because he wasn’t giving respect to them all along… it’s the law of nature… give and you will receive…

so, as friends, they wanted me to stay away from him…

now me… in my head, I’m thinking… i wasn’t being a good girl neither… i let him do those awful things that other people… well… including me… find very unpleasant… i wasn’t a fighter… but if my fury bottle will be full, a fighter version of me will come out… but, love has taken over that fury I’m feeling for him… she wanted me to leave him, but i see something she don’t see in him by just looking at the outside… he wasn’t really a bad boy… when he’s with me, i can see another version of him , kind one, a sweet one… a person who is longing to be loved… who wanted to be understood… he was caring (although he doesn’t often show it…)…

yes, we had a problem in terms of communication… he wasn’t able to tell me everytime he will be gone…

and because of that thought, it made me love him more… more than i can imagine… that’s why i couldn’t live up to my words… to my thoughts… i wanted to leave him but he just makes me want to love him and stay with him more… i wanted to feel loved and cared BY HIM… i don’t want to waste that hugs and kisses… i don’t want to break our pact… that neither of us will leave each other… i wanted him… but why can’t i have him…

sometimes i feel angry at him… i agree with her… he wasn’t any nicer… everytime he says those words beside me, i feel like… am i invisible? am i not here? do i not care? all his actions, all what he says, his looks to me… before it makes me jump to joy, now it makes me want to hide, because everytime he makes those moves, my image was being destroyed (sorry for the term) too… everytime his name is called, it was me they go looking for… i wanted to hide… because i didn’t want for him to be that insensitive… they’ll say, "that’s the girl I’m telling you about, the girl who sacrificed her image and pride so that she can be with the one she loves… there’s so many boy out there, why should be a fool for him when she can be not?" i don’t’ want them to think wrong about me…

i love him… but i value them… i want to be with him, and i wanted to share my laughter with them…

it’s getting heavier day by day… and they’re not both helping cause he’s not talking and she’s mad at me…